First Loves—Forever Memories

It doesn’t matter if it was 65 years ago. It doesn’t matter if it lasted just one summer. And it doesn’t matter if you went on to find a far-better-suited partner, one who provided you with children and a lifetime of love and care.

Memories of first loves are etched into our brains forever.

And—as such—they should be etched into our life stories as well.

Ask anyone about their first love and they’ll remember. The first butterflies, the first kiss, and the agony of that first crack in a once unscathed heart.

First loves are their own category. It’s not just you, it’s everyone.

According to a recent article in The Washington Post, there’s a scientific reason why first loves leave permanent marks. The intensity of that earliest relationship, experts say, is similar to that of skydiving. You remember the first time you jump out of a plane…even if future jumps are from a higher altitude or result in a better landing. There’s just something about that initial jump.

Experts point to other reasons for the fervor of first loves:

• Arousal, excitement, fear, and anxiety—powerful emotions that accompany a love relationship—are intensified when they occur during adolescence, a time when everything feels exaggerated.
• Many experience a “memory bump” between the ages of 15 and 26. So many “firsts” occur during these critical years and people tend to remember those firsts fondly.
• Our first love becomes the standard for which all future relationships are compared. We hold it in our memory as the ideal.

Whatever the reason, if you’re like many people and still remember the ferocity of that first love, be sure to give him or her a few pages in your memoirs. Honor the role they played in your life and the way they informed your selection of future loves. Tell your readers—some of whom may be teenagers themselves—that they too will survive a broken heart.

And if you’re among the few whose first love was their only love, you need to share that too. Highlight that fact in bold, explain why First Love never needed a successor.

Memoirs are filled with stories of your spouse and children, the most central people in your life. But who came before them? Who stole your heart first?

They were important too. Tell their story.

Do You Own Your Story?

The answer to this blog’s title – “Do You Own Your Story” – at first glance seems obvious. Of course you do, right? It’s your story, your life. You have the right to share it – or not – with whomever you’d like. Ask any therapist and she’ll tell you the same thing.

But ask a lawyer, and you’ll get another answer.

Because, unfortunately, it’s not so simple. The truth is your life intersects with the lives of many others. Parents, children, siblings, spouses, friends. The list goes on and on. And while you most definitely own your history, you don’t own theirs.

That cute story about how you tattle-tailed on your brother when you were nine (and he was rewarded with a month of detention at school) may not be so cute to your brother. Your mother may not be keen on you divulging your childhood memories of parental discord. And your first husband? Don’t even start with him.

Like I said, not so simple.

When I work with clients, I advise them of their three options when it comes to writing of significant others in their life:

Tell the whole truth

Readers trust authors who name names and share details. The more descriptive, the better, and vague, anonymous caricatures never won any Pulitzers. As memoir readers, we want to really see and feel what you did. Adopt Anne Lamott’s approach in Bird by Bird: “Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” But be prepared: there may be consequences. And a consult with a lawyer is never a bad idea.

Tell most of the truth

Yes, you tattle-tailed on your brother, but the principal understood and chalked it off to youth. Change the details: names, dates, locations, or any relevant information that could upset said brother. You get the idea. Share the gist of the story but with an eye on keeping the peace.

Don't tell

All memoir writers have to balance their quest for sharing the truth with protecting the anonymity of others in their life. It’s not easy, especially when your wish for truth and their wish for anonymity occupy huge blocks of the same space. If you want to tell your story, consider writing it for your own catharsis with no intention of sharing it broadly (the choice most of my clients make). Or tell only part of your story, leaving out those blocks that are most contentious. Maybe you don't even have a brother according to your narrative.

Yes, you own your life story. That’s undeniable. But there are many real-life characters in your story who may feel real-life pain/anger/disappointment once your book is released. They own their own lives too.

So how much to tell? There is no one right answer to this question but it is a question that should be seriously considered before the fact. Talk to your brother, check in with your mother. Take their temperature.

And, of course, please let me know if I can help.

Titling Your Memoirs

For some authors, a book’s title comes as a brainstorm before the first word is written. For others, titling their manuscript is an arduous process, completed only when the printer is calling for final changes. Naming your memoir is particularly challenging – almost like naming your child. You want something that fits. Something that encompasses the spirit and flavor of what lays inside.

But with careful thought, creativity, and insight, a poignant title is indeed possible. Take a look at these famously titled autobiographies that won the acclaim of readers and critics alike:

• Me (Katherine Hepburn)
• The Memoirs of an Amnesiac (Oscar Levant)
• Long Walk to Freedom (Nelson Mandela)
• I Can’t Wait Until Tomorrow, Cause I Get Better Looking Every Day (Joe Namath)
• Kiss and Make-Up (Gene Simmons)
• Last Words (George Carlin)
• Up From Slavery (Booker T. Washington)
• Leading With My Chin (Jay Leno)
• I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (Maya Angelou)
• Open (Andre Agassi)
• Living History (Hillary Clinton)
• Born Standing Up (Steve Martin)
• The Story of My Experiments with Truth (M.K. Gandhi)
• In Search of Identity (Anwar el-Sadat)
• I Am Not Spock (Leonard Nimoy)
• Wishful Drinking (Carrie Fisher)

You have nine months to name a child, right? Give yourself time and space to come up with a title for your autobiography that feels just right. Remember, your book’s title is the first and most prominent clue you’ll give readers about the contents of your memoir. It’s also the lasting association readers will carry with them after they close the book for the final time.

Think hard about your book title. Make it fit, make it good.

Make it you.

Print Your Memoirs: Ebooks Miss the Connection

As a personal historian who helps people write their life stories, I see and hear families deliberating about whether the cost of producing a hard copy book is necessary. I get it. Electronic books – those available online only – and websites can be less expensive to create. Paper isn’t cheap and the time required to print and distribute is real. But somehow, it always has felt to me, reading an ebook or web-based family history just isn’t the same.

Maybe it’s the feel of the book in your hands or the smell of its pages. Maybe it’s the permanence of a bound book. It’s not dependent on your computer revving up or a website being accessible.

Well, it turns out, it’s not just me. And it’s not just us if you share my thinking. Even millennials – those born between 1980 and 2005 – find hard copy books more…valuable. An article in the Huffington Post shared the following gems when it comes to print versus ebooks:

·         Young people are more likely to believe that there's useful information only available offline.

·         Students opt for physical copies of humanities books, even when digital versions are available for free.

·         Teens prefer print books for personal use.

·         Students don't connect emotionally with on-screen texts.

·         Students comprehend less of the information presented in digital books.

·         Parents and kids prefer to read physical books together.

And none of this touches on the inevitability of technological change. The ebook or website you produce today may very well be obsolete when your grandchildren or great grandchildren get around to reading it.

What could be more important to preserve in hard copy form than a personal of family history? I can’t think of a thing. And evidently, millennials can’t either.

Take the long view, please. Print really is better.

Please let me know if I can help.

Writing to Heal

I’ve written before about the benefits of personal writing: the research shows that writing (and rewriting) one’s story can bring about greater happiness.  Again and again, people ease emotional burden and recharge their lives after writing their stories. The act of writing—whether it is shared or not—is hugely cathartic.

What is new to this blog, however, is the fact that personal writing has huge healing benefits to the body as well. According to research conducted by social scientist James W. Pennebaker, people who engage in expressive or personal writing experience visit doctors less often than those who do not. Additionally, in the months after participating in a series of expressive writing exercises, people experience:

• Decreased heart rate
• Lowered blood pressure
• Enhanced breathing
• Strengthened immune system
• Improved self-esteem
• Greater effectiveness in managing stress

Pennebaker has made a career out of studying the impact of expressive writing. He’s an expert on the biological effects, the psychological effects, and the behavioral changes that follow personal writing exercises. After decades immersed in the field, his conclusion is quite simple: “Writing [has] a far more powerful tool for healing than anyone [could ever] imagine.”

We all have different reasons for wanting to write our life stories. Some of us want to preserve memories for our family. Some of us enjoy the process of reflecting on our history. Some of us have lessons we want to convey to our children.

But all of us could benefit from a healthier mind and body.

Writing heals.

I help people write their life stories and I conduct life writing workshops. I’ve seen the positive impact dozens of times. Please let me know if you’d like my help.